this one's for the ladies

EUGENE, OREGON!

I’M A-COMIN’ TO YOU!

I find myself saying this expression in almost any situation, appropriate or otherwise, as an excuse for my behavior. Example numero uno: “Shelby, can you take the dogs outside? Shelby, can you order the pizza? Shelby, can you walk in a straight line?” And my response? “Well, insert person here, I would if I could.” Since when does this expression make any sense? Sure, it seems like an appropriate response to whether or not you can end world hunger or become America’s Next Top Model, but that’s about it. Thus, me sounding like a complete asshole set aside (For the record, I do my chores and never drink and drive, pinky swear!), I really need a new go-to phrase.

The real point of this tirade is that while conversing with a friend a few nights ago, we discussed the topic of flirting. Actually, this has come up numerous times recently but that’s neither here nor there. As a renown, famed flirt, my friend, who shall remain nameless, naturally exclaimed her prowess at the subtle arm touches, well-placed giggles, and witty banter. And my genius response, you ask? “I would toootally flirt if I could.” Brilliant, right? I’m a grade-A linguist.

It should be a given that as a woman, I would have some variety of flirtatious qualities in my arsenal of womanly-womanness. But I don’t. Sure, I could always fall back on the classic “hair flip” or “straw trick” (I actually don’t even know what that is, but apparently it’s a real thing involving straws and mouths). Instead of doing the Garnier Fructis hair flip combined with the Covergirl lip pout, I just sort of twirl a stray lock of hair and pull it in front of my face to create a sort of faux-mustache effect. And I ask, what straight male doesn’t want a girl with a nervous habit of creating mock facial hair? I understand your lack of an appropriate response to that question, I really do. Damn you, Cosmo and your unrealistic expectations!

Unfortunately, it would seem that I am hopeless. Maybe i’m just born with it, or maybe, possibly, it’s Mabelline.