I'll keep thinking like a woman, if you don't mind.
Now, I realize that I might be the only one of the following opinion (for the time being) or perhaps it’s just my “emotional” nature as a woman, my incompetency for rational thought, my heart getting in the way of my head…yes, that’s the one. Wait, where was I going with this? Oh, right. “Think like a man.” The title of the newest soon-to-be-semi-blockbuster-chick-flick hitting a theater near you tomorrow.
Whilst browsing the interwebs, I stumbled across this hidden gem. I say hidden because I’d never heard of it, which obviously is not a marker for fame, but I digress… Based upon the top-selling book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, this story follows the lives of four men. Let me tell you, I’ve been looking for a movie starring semi-attractive dudes trying to lay (ahem, i’m sorry, date) hot women for aaages. There never seem to be any at Blockbuster. And what do you know? These eligible bachelors find four beautiful women to woo. Women that probably have a personality, but from this movie, you wouldn’t know it. But guess what this plot twist is. These women do THE WORST things imaginable to these men, because they have this crown jewel of self-help books teaching them to act like a lady; you know, such things like “dress to impress” and “maintain your sex appeal” and…the end. That’s the advice, more or less. Thank you, genius male author, I had NO idea that guys love boobs. These women are taught to take it a step further. They withhold sex for five whole dates (or 90 days). Yeah, you read that right. What bitches. They are just unbelievable, doing something that terrible to a man with needs. And forget about women liking sex; that’s a myth! They love all that waiting! They are also shallow for finding full-time professions and knowing the value of a hard day’s work attractive. Weird, right? So these brilliant men figure out what these scheming women are doing (reading) and decide to put a stop to it and use the book against them. With these women’s knowledge successfully debunked and useless, the world is set right again. These strong, beautiful women are in love with these clever men. Cue “We are the Champions.” And you know what puts the icing on this fucked up cake of sexism and stupidity? Chris Brown is in it. Playing a cheating boyfriend. Seriously, I’m not making this shit up. Man, I am feeling this movie…
Even more so, i’m feeling the book this sure to be Oscar-nominated film is based on. It still baffles me that women eat up this crap like it’s leftover Chinese food. Men are dogs, and we’ve just gotta work around it. blah blah blah. It’s a book written by a man about men and the target audience? Women! Just one of its many pearls of wisdom is the three p’s that women want: profess, provide, and protect. Profess love, provide food and shelter, and protect…from what? Spiders? Clogged shower drains? Apparently I haven’t been wanting the right things this whole time. What a buzzkill!
Why is it that men don’t read books about how to please a woman, how to teach your son not to be a rapist, how to respect your significant other and treat her like an equal (NOT like a princess. I’m sorry, ladies, but you are seriously backwards if you just want to be pampered. Chivalry is something in Disney movies that little girls fantasize about and make unrealistic standards for.) I don’t know how many times I’ll have to keep saying this, WOMEN NEED TO STOP LIVING THEIR LIVES FOR MEN. I don’t need to know “101 things to make him happy.” I don’t need to put everything on the backburner and have children. I don’t need a twice-divorced 53 year old man who refers to sex as “the cookie” (really? vaginas are baked goods now?) telling me how to trick guys into the sack, or better yet, into a marriage. Maybe Steve Harvey is right and this is the way that works, “the truth,” as he puts it. Sadder things have happened.
In conclusion, I hope to the flying spaghetti monster that I never learn to think like a man. Not that I don’t love men and their brains; I do. But thinking like a woman is pretty fucking awesome and anyone who says otherwise obviously hasn’t had the extreme pleasure. The end.
You know how I know that I’m really, truly sick? I just want to watch all three lord of the rings movies in immediate succession whilst curled up in the basement as I eat tomato soup and grilled cheese that my dad made me.
That’s how I know.
Instead i’ll keep drifting in and out of sleep whilst watching War Horse and drinking this ginger ale/orange juice concoction that I created…FUCK YOU, THROAT! YOU SUCK!
List 10 musical artists you like, in no specific order. Do this before reading the questions below.
First Aid Kit
Tallest Man on Earth
Johnny Cash and June Carter (together)
What was the 1st song you heard by number 6? The Vowels pt. 2: possibly the song that I have the most memories associated with.
What is your favorite lyrics from number 5? when a good man and a good woman can’t find the good in each other, then good men and good women will bring out the worst in each other, the bad in each other
What is your favorite song by number 8? Heart it Races (a cover of Architecture in Helsinki) SUMMER ANTHEM Y’ALL!
What kind of impact has number 1 had on your life? well, they are easily my favorite over-arching musicians, while also illustrating the all-powerful awesomeness of sister duos. Their melodies are heart-wrenching and their lyrics are too beautiful.
When did you first get into 2? I dabbled my freshman year of college (pre sasquatch) and then fell in love sometime around a year ago
How did you get into 3? I don’t think anyone ever “gets into” bob dylan. either you’ve loved him from an early age or you never will.
What is your favourite song by 4? Ring of Fire. It makes me think of (imagine?) my papa and gramma singing it to my dad and uncle when they were kids.
How many times have you seen 7 live?
sadly, never. though I did see the Seattle Rock Orchestra perform their tunes at sasquatch a few years back! (obviously not the same thing)
Favorite album by 9?
lame, but greatest hits! he’s the greatest! and a hit!
What is your favorite song of 1? probably Emmylou, because I just can’t get sick of it. BUT but Our Own Pretty Ways reminds me of my sister and also my lady pals here in the Eug, which makes it a tie.
How did you become a fan of number 10? Probably by my sister playing “I’m Real” featuring JLo or “Mesmerize” with Ashanti in the early 2000’s…strangely these songs are two of my current favorites.
What songs of 4’s do you listen to the least? stupid question. there’s a lot of them out there that I don’t listen to all the time because there are too many!
Top 2 favorite songs by 5? probably 1234 (for nostalgia’s sake) and the bad in each other.
Which one have you known the longest? johnny cash
What’s your favorite song by number 9? twistin’ the night away…it’s the ULTIMATE dance, feel-good, lettin’ it all hang loose with your laydies song. EVAR
What’s your favorite member of 8? pfft, hell if I know. both lead singers? they’re WAY babeasaurish
How long have you known 7? meh, I heard about them in high school and then developed an infatuation freshman year, so almost three years?