All Tiny Creatures, the band that opened for Bon Iver in part of their world tour, is playing in my house right now. WHAT?!
Now, I realize that I might be the only one of the following opinion (for the time being) or perhaps it’s just my “emotional” nature as a woman, my incompetency for rational thought, my heart getting in the way of my head…yes, that’s the one. Wait, where was I going with this? Oh, right. “Think like a man.” The title of the newest soon-to-be-semi-blockbuster-chick-flick hitting a theater near you tomorrow.
Whilst browsing the interwebs, I stumbled across this hidden gem. I say hidden because I’d never heard of it, which obviously is not a marker for fame, but I digress… Based upon the top-selling book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, this story follows the lives of four men. Let me tell you, I’ve been looking for a movie starring semi-attractive dudes trying to lay (ahem, i’m sorry, date) hot women for aaages. There never seem to be any at Blockbuster. And what do you know? These eligible bachelors find four beautiful women to woo. Women that probably have a personality, but from this movie, you wouldn’t know it. But guess what this plot twist is. These women do THE WORST things imaginable to these men, because they have this crown jewel of self-help books teaching them to act like a lady; you know, such things like “dress to impress” and “maintain your sex appeal” and…the end. That’s the advice, more or less. Thank you, genius male author, I had NO idea that guys love boobs. These women are taught to take it a step further. They withhold sex for five whole dates (or 90 days). Yeah, you read that right. What bitches. They are just unbelievable, doing something that terrible to a man with needs. And forget about women liking sex; that’s a myth! They love all that waiting! They are also shallow for finding full-time professions and knowing the value of a hard day’s work attractive. Weird, right? So these brilliant men figure out what these scheming women are doing (reading) and decide to put a stop to it and use the book against them. With these women’s knowledge successfully debunked and useless, the world is set right again. These strong, beautiful women are in love with these clever men. Cue “We are the Champions.” And you know what puts the icing on this fucked up cake of sexism and stupidity? Chris Brown is in it. Playing a cheating boyfriend. Seriously, I’m not making this shit up. Man, I am feeling this movie…
Even more so, i’m feeling the book this sure to be Oscar-nominated film is based on. It still baffles me that women eat up this crap like it’s leftover Chinese food. Men are dogs, and we’ve just gotta work around it. blah blah blah. It’s a book written by a man about men and the target audience? Women! Just one of its many pearls of wisdom is the three p’s that women want: profess, provide, and protect. Profess love, provide food and shelter, and protect…from what? Spiders? Clogged shower drains? Apparently I haven’t been wanting the right things this whole time. What a buzzkill!
Why is it that men don’t read books about how to please a woman, how to teach your son not to be a rapist, how to respect your significant other and treat her like an equal (NOT like a princess. I’m sorry, ladies, but you are seriously backwards if you just want to be pampered. Chivalry is something in Disney movies that little girls fantasize about and make unrealistic standards for.) I don’t know how many times I’ll have to keep saying this, WOMEN NEED TO STOP LIVING THEIR LIVES FOR MEN. I don’t need to know “101 things to make him happy.” I don’t need to put everything on the backburner and have children. I don’t need a twice-divorced 53 year old man who refers to sex as “the cookie” (really? vaginas are baked goods now?) telling me how to trick guys into the sack, or better yet, into a marriage. Maybe Steve Harvey is right and this is the way that works, “the truth,” as he puts it. Sadder things have happened.
In conclusion, I hope to the flying spaghetti monster that I never learn to think like a man. Not that I don’t love men and their brains; I do. But thinking like a woman is pretty fucking awesome and anyone who says otherwise obviously hasn’t had the extreme pleasure. The end.